might get heavy in the end

The lights, the tree. The weather outside - frightful...December behaving just as it ought. Some one said snow today but they are liars.
 

I found some of these bears we made ages ago-  made from dough of flour , glue and cinnamon, Mostly cinnamon , they are still fragrant after all these years! So cinnamony they make me sneeze! We also made chickies but they look more like amoeba  -  will let the trash man have those.- Merry Christmas trash man....

The last of the golden leaves this afternoon. - wind is roaring around the corner and will take them to dead leaf land by morning. 

I have been feeling betrayed/gas lit/ disappointed all day. You know how you have loved some one your whole life or as far back as you can remember and that person does a thing to utterly change it all? Like my Auntie ,for instance, my all time favorite, my mentor in all things good. If given a choice to go to a toy store or to go stay with my Auntie , I would choose her every time. She was magic! She saved a squirrel's life right before my very eyes- A few tiny chest compressions, a little prayer to the Squirrel god, which , I thought, was her god too-  the little squirrel popped his head up , said thank you and Scampered away, to get caught by her cat another day, possibly.

Out of the blue one day while driving through Denver- she honked at some people to hurry up crossing the road and then said the most racist thing I had ever heard, the only racist thing actually,  in a snarling, mean way. WHY did you say those awful things, Auntie, to those people you don't even know, minding their own business??? WTF auntie?I did not really know how to respond so just sat  in my  stupor of WTF-ness.

That did it for me. I divorced her pretty much, from  intense adoration- to confusion - how can this be? From then on I did not believe her - treated her with  suspicion, kids are not stupid.  Where did sweet auntie learn to talk that way and how come? Even more odd is that she was a Christian Science practitioner, the one who guides others , the one who tends to your bedside as you are dying.God's girl! Which also led me to think that  her god was suspect...Right about that one- her god was not the squirrel god after-all.

Lost bearings for evermore - gas lit- oh yes.

Last night Dennis told me  something his brother had done a while back to a family, not only racist but worse, threats were involved- BOOM- there it is again! The most loved/respected/trusted/wonderful person pulls a crapola,  love for him retreats , crawls under the covers and will not come out again, nope... Shocked utterly. Damn, you just never know, especially when you think you do.

Think I'll go huff a cinnamon bear, sneeze a lot.
Sneezes are cathartic without having to actually cry- crying is not allowed. Stiff upper and all that. Damn. You just never know.