"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So, throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
-Mark Twain
So that is how I am feeling these days- no pets, no job, no children- I must sail from this safe harbor while I still can. Time waits for no old lady!
Last night I experienced another episode of sleep paralysis. That has not happened for a while . Terrifying! Something leapt onto the bed at the foot , where the dogs used to sleep, so that was not alarming. But then a dark heavy body crept up behind me as I slept on my side, wrapped itself around me will ill intent, I can not holler, I can not move, It's big arm crossed over me and pulled me tightly to it (him) . He laughs /growls- like Roy of Ted Lasso, that sort of deep guttural growl. Small and paralyzed, enveloped into his heavy dark horror...my heart pounded so hard it jerked me semi awake into that in-between space for a minute then, Fully awake after a few minutes, I jumped out of bed, checked the corners of the room, and walk through the house to shake it off , crying, heart still pounding.
No one knows what causes sleep paralysis, maybe anxiety or some other mental illness. During the day I am not aware of any wonky-ness but when I sleep I guess my brain goes to work trying to sort something out . Unpleasant and frightening and no thank you!
Kim and I did have a granny day with our Flora the day before, which was all light and beauty and joy. Perhaps I am anxious about her future, who knows.
20 months old and she is way smarter than Kim and I put together, That child! She sees all and misses nothing!
I did watch the PBS program before bed," The United States and the Holocaust" , which sent me into a tail spin. That could have stayed with me in my sleep . I thought it important to realize some things about this land where we live- but tell you what...it is worse than we ever thought - were brain washed to think. Is it better to remain ignorant? It might be, for one's own mental health , but, for big picture and forewarning of what is certainly to come, could be good to have a head's up....know what we might be dealing with- take note of the warning signs and red flags. ( run away! Catch the trade winds in your sails.)
Anyway, if you want some educating do watch that program , Peter Coyote's voice , as usual, comfortably familiar... I have not finished with it yet, Taking a breather and hoping that the big dark entity does not come into my bed tonight.
More flowers in the brain!
And Flora, the OMG genius child!
Bound to contribute to good dreams and restful slumber. I will listen to some good music as well. Chase the bugaboos away for fucking ever!
Yes, Please.
It has been raining quite alot for the past two days. Flowers getting soaked, sun comes out for one minute and everything shoots up and out and gets all fluffy with new buds.
BEAUTY! Temperature in the house @62 degrees!
That dream almoat screams of something holding you back, but what and what from? I'd say that Holocaust movie had something to do with it. There's no way I would watch it. I prefer my blissful ignorance and take the future as it comes.
ReplyDeleteLiving in the United States of propaganda re: the involvement and horror that the States have inflicted have done so much to damage this nation. Thus we get irrational nationalism, Trump, DeSantis, McConnell...and their tribe of flag wavers and evil doers. In the 40's and 50's the brainwashing was at its best-right after the war this nation portrayed itself as a savior- Citizens believed it.
DeleteNo matter what that dream signifies, it is horrible. I'm so sorry you have to experience sleep paralysis.
ReplyDeleteYour photos are incredibly gorgeous but the flowers cannot compete with dear Flora who is the best flower of all and well named.
Flora's Mom, Emily is a botanist/biologist- she knew what to name her daughter from the get go!!
DeleteBeautiful flowers. I like the reddish petunia that looks so much like the "Night Sky" variety I often buy. Do you know what it's called? (The "Night Sky" ones are the same but they're dark blue/purple.)
ReplyDeleteThe paralysis episode sounds terrifying. I'd like to see that PBS show, but I'm not sure if we can get PBS content over here. (Unless it's also showing on another platform.)
It is likely just another color of the "night Sky" petunia. They come in a variety of colors, yours being the most dramatic.
DeleteThat is such a terrifying dream. I hope it NEVER happens again.
ReplyDeleteThe flowers there are so beautiful, and the light of Flora's smile is a brightness of pure joy.
I hope so too!
DeleteWhen I was in a dream group (sharing personally but having no direct feedback) we'd share a dream, then someone could say what that symbol meant to them, or if it had been their dream it might have meant such and such. This group was very positive, no matter what the dreams were...and based on the theory that "dreams are a message from our subconscious to ourselves." So nobody's book saying what "dark" meant etc. I agree that adding a bit of holocaust to your experience before bedtime sure could have contributed...but am so sorry you had that sleep paralysis experience. Thanks for sharing about it here! Yes yes yes to the flowers and beautiful smart Flora!
ReplyDeleteDreams are generally helpful ,I have been told, and a dark dream would be Ok but the paralysis is the thing that is not OK.
DeleteI had never heard of sleep paralysis, that sounds awful. It's interesting how little of US history any of us know. Killers of the Flower Moon is a new movie that's out about the killing of Osage tribe members. Their land sat on a lot of oil, and of course the whites just could not have it, the Osage being wealthy, so they killed them. American Exceptionalism at its finest.
ReplyDeletewhite man's history is utterly cruel , egocentric and deadly . Look at congress. Old white mental midgets- narcissistic through and through. This nation founded on such.
DeleteOnce again, your post sent me all a-googling. This time, "sleep paralysis". Yuck, sounds horrific!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have daytime genius Flora to counteract the nighttime.
Sleep paralysis does not happen very often, I can count the times- for they are memorable! Really terrifying when it does happen! I would like to bottle Flora pills and hand them out to everyone! Happiest little girl ever!
DeleteWe only know the history that makes us look good. We never learned of the internment camps for the Japanese, the taking away of native children or the massacres in Tulsa and Rosewood, right here in Florida. And this was before our governor who wants to be president decided anything that makes white people uncomfortable shouldn’t be taught. Dark times indeed. The lovely Flora helps me not descend into total despair. Flora for president and let’s have all the orphans on the Supreme Court!
ReplyDeleteXoxo
Barbara
Thank you YES!!! teaching to the lowest denominator - teaching to the test, shiny american history and glorious accounts of the united states doing favor for all nations for humanitarian reasons- the damned statue of liberty! - smothered in false narrative all our lives- I must say, the shock of the truth of the history opens eyes so wide they are falling out of the sockets. So Flora jane and the orphans could remedy this sick sad nation full of far fetched hyperbolic history.
DeleteI am so in terror of sleep/dream problems that I cannot watch the worst part of worst scenes. I get up and leave. I wonder if a documentary of iron lungs started this, or if it was something worse that I won't deal with. And yes, thank god for the beauty that counteracts the terror. Your pictures are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteIron lungs scared the hell out of us!!
Deleteif you were a religious person or if you listened to my cousin he would tell you that was an evil spirit, a succubus, come to do evil and dirty things to you and to have an exorcism right away! good thing you aren't religious and don't ever listen to my cousin.
ReplyDeletethis country was built on and sustained by killing and slavery. we are at war nearly all the time. genocide, no problem. wiping out successful communities of people of color, sign us up. too many people we don't like minding their own business, mass murder fits the bill?
your cousin should be taken off life support...too many of those folks around with simple answers- fantasy. The entire GOP of flag waver god dudes and dudettes have traded in critical thinking for cultishness "certainty" - downfall of civilization especially in a young delusional nation such as the one we live in. Here we go go go!
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